Scarce weekends

So, today (which is "kyo" in Japanese!) I listed all of the weekends between now and the end of July. And then I filled in all the 'life' stuff I need to do - mostly wedding related things, as what feels like thousands of my best friends get hitched and I need to be available for hen's nights, engagement parties, pre-wedding parties, actual ceremonies - and band stuff, including a long overdue recording session (Did I mention that we were in a band comp and have won all our heats and are now in the final? Well we are. It's a bit rad. The final is Tuesday week and if we win it we get a 5-day studio recording package. But I digress). The point is, empty weekends are like opportunities to eat cheesecake. Infrequent but blissful. Especially if the base is all crumbly. Mmmmmmm. Crumbly cheesecake base. Keeki-o kudesai? (Japanese: Can I have cake please?)

I then looked at all the challenges yet to achieve, and the time frames needed for some of them. It's a tiiiiiny bit nerve wracking, but mostly I'm still wrapped up in a sense of guileless positivity about their completion. Call it denial, whatever it is, it's working for me.

Sorry I haven't posted about Tasmania yet, but I've been applying for jobs and stressing about various other things and also am lazy and haven't got around to it. Y'know. But the short story is that I jumped in a lagoon. I'll tell you about it some time.

Meanwhile I've switched meditation audio and now a lovely Scottish gentleman named Andrew Johnson guides me. His accent is wonderful.

Meditation in more ways than one

In the interest of keeping on top of my blogging, here is one. I sweep the contents of my desk with my eyes, looking for inspiration. They waver on a half-eaten candy cane. Sugar for breakfast? Sure.

Another office refurbishment, another anxious search for a new meditation pod. They have built some curiously titled “shoosh rooms” and while I’m not entirely sure of their true purpose, I am hijacking one every day at 11am and sitting in the dark. Concentration, or lack of it, is a difficult thing to achieve just now. My success sort of works on a swinging scale. More often than not I’m avoiding the audio, such as the binaural recordings, and trying to just take myself out of the space I’m in, mentally. Focussing on the shapes that float in front of my closed eyes, or the steady beeping of a crane. Then from a corner of my brain, a little face pokes into view and goes ‘hey, I wonder how Carla’s baby is going?’ or ‘I should check that lottery ticket, I’m probably sitting on half a million’ or ‘one day Bear Grylls is going to eat something poisonous and die’. And I humour it for a moment, not realising it’s an evil trick on myself. Then I’m like “waaait a minute”, and breathe deeper, and focus on that floaty red circle again. For a few seconds, at least.

I think distraction is the real key. It’s like when I’m doing a hard cycle, or if I’m in the swimming pool – swimming is by no means my forte – keeping my mind pre-occupied leaves my body open to do what it’s supposed to do on its own. So I will think about the lottery, or Bear Grylls, and then I’ll be at the other end of the pool. That doesn’t really work with meditation. In times of extreme internal commotion, I have taken to counting, forwards and backwards, without stopping. It sounds loco, but it means all I have room to think about is the numbers. There is a downside in is that it doesn’t always relax me, even if I am breathing deeply, however I like to think of it as a type of a cerebral spring clean. It’s also why I enjoy logic puzzles so much.

I also did my first pasta bake on Wednesday night, under Ben’s supervision. He was multi-tasking, working on his bike in the kitchen at the same time. There is something reassuring and warm about this domesticity we have created. Sometimes we long for a place we no longer have to pay rent on, large enough for a dog, and three kids, and one of us earns enough that the other can stay home and perpetuate the domestic wonder. But other times we are stoked just looking at our retro coffee table/radiogram that we scored on eBay and the glorious red fruit bowl we’ve been hunting down for 6 months, and eat pasta bake, and listen to episodes of This American Life. It is necessary to meditate on these things, rather than waste energy with the other 7.5 hours of the day. It is a shame to waste anything, really, but particularly energy.

And with that... I'm off to meditate.

Perspective

I am getting better at meditating without distraction in loud or busy spaces, although I am also finding my tea is usually cold by the time I’m back in the land of the conscious. Mindful meditation is what I’m mainly focussing on now. I have been too lazy to charge my iPod shuffle for, oh, over a month now, so I’ve not been listening to my audio in that time.

The weekend had a lot of unpleasantness in it so I will focus on the blessings instead: the coming together of friends, the rare spotting of a giant wombat foraging for food, and the serenity of quiet contemplation at the platypus pools (albeit without seeing any actual platypuses, but a relaxing endeavour nonetheless).

I’ve decided to focus on the challenges that don’t involve any costs until my karma balances out and I can justify paying for silliness again. This firstly means recharging the iPod so I can upload some Learn-Japanese CDs onto it. I figure if the weather is bad and I can’t cycle to work, I can at least spend 40 minutes each day listening to a recording of someone speaking gibberish and then asking me to repeat them until something sticks. If nothing else it might get someone to finally laugh at me on the train.

Music has also become a core default setting in my brain, which is a surprising return after many years of my songwriting habits de-evolving. In anguished moments I find myself thinking it would be nice to just have a few hours with a guitar, or space to sing. Maybe that’s just a reaction to not having had a band rehearsal or gig for a couple of weeks, but this in itself is noteworthy as usually having so much band stuff on can be quite draining. Maybe it’s the subconscious urgency of having to write 19 more songs before next July. Maybe it’s the realisation that singing other people’s songs is rather enjoyable. Let’s also not forget that half-decent busking might actually make me money, a very rousing prospect.

I also just made an appointment to give blood for the first time, so that puts some things in perspective and makes me feel a little better about things in general.

Meditation update

I have been practising meditation in a range of formats and with fluctuating levels of success. Here is a pretty exhaustive list of stuff I’ve tried:

- Sitting cross legged
- Sitting against a wall
- Kneeling
- Lying down
- In the bath
- On the train
- Outdoors
- Vibrational meditation (ie. Chanting and mantras)
- Breath watching
- With music
- Without music
- With audio instruction (these are really helpful)
- With binaural sound recordings (this seems to work best for me)
- Focussing on one sound
- “Empty mind” meditation (I am terrible at this)
- “Mindful” meditation (trying to become super aware of everything)
- Eyes closed
- Staring at a candle
- Staring into middle distance
- Wii Fit Zazen (My highest score is something like 96 seconds… but frankly I’m not sure it counts as meditation)

My dedication to this task has been abysmal of late. I have started setting an alarm so that I am forced to go at a certain time and find somewhere to meditate, and I think it is important to do it at work whenever I can. It is entirely necessary. I spend a lot of time internally talking myself out of quitting. My boss calls it “highly strung”.

Be positive

I have a new boss, and she has moved into what used to be my ‘meditation room’ and now I’m feeling a little bit lost. More lost than I should rightly feel. Maybe this meditation malarkey has been having more effect than I give it credit for. I meditated at home yesterday instead, but the juju was all wrong. I could use the first aid room but you never know when somebody might come bursting in with a violent head wound and need the space to bleed everywhere, so I’m reluctant to take up that option.

Feeling defeated about the fundraising ball again. What else is new.

I am still sans 7 challenges and I am wondering what to do about this. I have faith that I may still receive a couple more but others I am not so sure about. And some people I wonder why I continue putting energy into them. I actually changed my mind at the last minute about one of the recipients, adding somebody who should have been on the list from the beginning and for some stupid reason wasn’t there, and taking off somebody who I realised was a complete waste of my time, as usual. I get tired thinking about such things very quickly. To be very curt about it, I did a ‘cull’ of such people in my life a few years ago, and I haven’t regretted it. Sometimes you’ve got to know when to let go, you know? But then I think: there is reward in savouring friendships. Most people mean well. It’s about finding a balance.

Originally when people asked what would happen if I found myself in this situation (not having all challenges returned), I was steadfast: their loss, and more time for me to concentrate on the ones that did arrive. I’m wondering now if there is room for 7 more of them, and there probably isn’t. But that in itself was part of the challenge, right?

Here’s what I’m going to do. Any outstanding postcards on 22nd October 2010 – that’s 3 months after the project started – will have their Challenger Rights forfeited. Maybe I’ll then choose to challenge myself in place of the missing ones. I already have some ideas. They won’t be too difficult or time consuming, more like new year’s resolutions (and probably taken with as much salt, so there is also no pressure to finish them in the same way as the others). Like, I’ve been thinking for a long time, I should really give blood. My blood type is B+. Be positive! How can I not share blood that life affirming!

Anyway, I’ll deal with that in November. I have a lot to do before then.

PS. We finally have a government again! About fricking time! Lead well, Julia... lead well.

I'm visualising a fundraiser, and a huge slice of cake

So I didn’t write a blog yesterday. Did you miss me? Because I missed you.

My employer sent me to a “Tapping Into Your Full Potential” seminar yesterday which was quite enlightening. Mostly because it showed me how my ‘values’ and ‘priorities’ weren’t really aligned with each other and how most of the stuff that makes me hate my job are in the mysterious “circle out of my control”. We were taught visualisation techniques and told to let go of the things in that particular circle. So I’m visualising myself having a really fun time at work, everybody around me working really efficiently, and actually having a manager that I can depend on, and getting backpaid for the 7 weeks worth of higher duties work I haven’t been paid for. It doesn’t seem to be working. I told my colleague that if we don’t get an answer before the end of the week (which I was told we would), I’m striking. I think I’ll use the time to ride my bike a lot, write songs and ponder life. Or, maybe I'll just keep coming to work like a chump because I need to pay for stuff.

I am trying to organise the 'fundraising ball'. It's a bit of a left field interpretation of the idea, but it's so crazy it just might work. Getting the people I need to be involved, and finding a venue, though, is going to be an interesting endeavour. I don't want to jinx it by saying too much, but I'll let you know if I get it off the ground.

PS. I was meditating in our bedroom a couple of nights ago when the light bulb blew (with sparks and everything!) and my inner peace was seriously compromised. I almost levitated, although to be fair I don't think it was the same kind I'm supposed to aim for.

PPS. People keep thinking I'm pregnant. I'm not. It's just cake. But thanks for the boost to my self esteem.

My brainwaves are officially stimulated

Not much to report since yesterday, but liking getting into the habit of blogging each day, so, here I am anyway. Having come across some great meditation mp3s, I've started taking 10 minutes out of my day to meditate at work. The rooftop didn’t work out so well last time, so I’m confining myself to a dark empty room instead, and it’s nice. I’ve discovered these binaural sound recordings which are supposed to stimulate specific brainwaves or something, and they are timed at exactly 10 minutes. I’m an aural creature and this works for me. If I can concentrate on sound and let my external thoughts pass through, I’m halfway there. I think it was the most successful session I’ve had so far, which is surprising considering my surroundings, but my anxieties were actually lessened. It actually worked. Maybe there were other extenuating circumstances towards me feeling less like committing some heinous crime in my office today as well, but any small step forward is a good one. Note to self: plan your mp3s better so that Led Zeppelin doesn’t come on immediately after the soothing voice stops. I’m not sure meditation experts would recommend the opening riff of “Immigrant Song” as a particularly effective way of ending the session.

Human

21 postcards in. I'm pleasantly surprised at who has come through with the goods. I often wonder what our postman must think.

Due to what has been a high-stress, high-emotion and high-activity week, we decided against doing the Manly walk today (which turned out to be a good move because there was some rain earlier too). Instead we slept in, treated ourselves to a big breakfast, and rented a Wii game that we are pretty appalling at so far. I'm starting to feel human again.

I went and bought a copy of "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter", apparently a modern classic, by Carson McCullers. I'm assuming this is the book Tim challenged me to read, as Cormac McCarthy didn't have one of the same name. There is something wonderful about a new book, particularly one that has been recommended to you. A fresh paperback, waiting to be devoured. At the moment I'm struggling to read "The Pillars of Hercules" by Paul Theroux - not because it isn't interesting or well-written, on the contrary, but I'm just not engaging so far. Travel books aren't really my usual bag. So it will be nice to have a crunchy novel to bite into again.

I'm pleased to say that we've done what feels like a lot of cycling the last 2 days, and it has been very rewarding. I'm becoming more familiar with Woodstock's movements and quirks, and feeling the bond grow between bike and owner. I'm still not confident of taking the journey to work - mostly due to a combination of a couple of steep points and peak hour traffic - but I"m considering maybe doing a partial ride (catching the train the remainder of the way).

I realised last night that somewhere this week, I stopped meditating. Whoops. I'm pretty sure the last time I did it was Tuesday. Must put together a game plan for making this one stick, because I think if I can get into a routine, this will be really good for me. My brain is unrelenting for most of the time, so being able to train it to eat a chill cake would be nice.

Ben is in the kitchen making cookies, so I think I'm going to go and write a song for Bart's challenge now. The idea for Song 1 has been floating about in my head the last few days and I think I can knock it out relatively quickly (she says, with naive overconfidence).

Still struggling to make people laugh...

It is hard to approach strangers, even if you are already dealing with them (such as a sales person) in an attempt to make them laugh. Especially without having them think you're coming onto them. My second week is almost up and I am lagging behind at what is so far proving to be one of the more deceptively difficult challenges. My first realisation is that due to the high stress situation of my work for the past couple of weeks, happiness has not been a regular state of mind during the times I would usually utilise, such as being in transit, or during lunch. I can barely muster a half-hearted grin at such moments, let alone make someone else laugh. Then I eventually get home to my safe little Summer Hill hidey-hole and want to bunker down for the evening with Ben, who does not count as a stranger and therefore whose laughter, while extremely valuable to me, does not qualify for this challenge. So that has been my first obstacle.

I’ve been reading up a little bit on the psychology of laughter, and why humans do it. It hasn’t helped me think of any new ways of approaching the situation so far, but it is still quite interesting. I’m starting to think I will need to take more dramatic steps in order to achieve this goal, and that means overcoming the fear of not being laughed at (or being laughed at for the wrong reasons, but I’m kind of ok with that notion). Pirate custard is the new big thing in soviet Russia because of all the amoebas. People are damned stoic these days. Many years ago, I fell off my razor scooter in a fairly spectacular fashion, and nobody even blinked. I actually stood up and with loud exasperation announced “Oh come on. I bet that looked hilarious” but apart from one woman glancing in my direction for the briefest of seconds, the masses continued along Broadway as if Australia’s Funniest Home Video Show never existed. I know people think that shit is funny, otherwise the show wouldn’t have been on TV for so long. Anyway my point is, it is hard to get the attention of a stranger.

I’m thinking of taking some weirdness cues from Rich Fulcher. He has a new book called ‘Tiny Acts of Rebellion’ and while most of its contents appear to be ridonkulous, there must be something in there worth inciting a giggle in Sydney’s average joe.

I am, however, getting slightly better at meditating – bath time for the win. Submerge, breathe in, body rises, breathe out, body sinks. It’s brilliant.

PS. As per Rich’s advice I have slipped a totally random incredible statement into this blog, just to make sure you’re paying attention. “If you can spot it, you will get a free turkey go-f*ck-yourself sandwich.”

General update

Busy busy busy. Liv Tyler's character in Empire Records once said "my dad always said that there's 24 usable hours in every day", but she didn't spend 7.5 of them trying not to punch the Marketing Director in the face for his incessant tuneless whistling as he walks through an open plan office. This really affects my productivity in more ways than one.

Meditation is not so far helping me deal with such every day stresses, but that's probably because I'm still not in the swing of it. I need to commit to a dedicated time and space to do this, but the routine bothers me. I'm fumbling my way through it, some days more successfully than others. The bath seems to be a good place for me. I'm trying to find some good websites and maybe download some mp3s, but it has been too insane to properly spend any time on this yet. Jaimi also said she'd lend me some meditation material from when she was taking classes, so that will help too.

We've had visitors for the past 9 days and I'm going to see Jonsi tonight (from Sigur Ros! Much excitement), and nothing is really going to calm down until after the 13th, so I might as well just keep fumbling until then.

I've almost hit my target for the Sydney to Gong bike ride donations, which was $250 (the minimum required to be able to enter). So I upped the target to $400. After pay day I'll give everyone a little reminder about it... I'm feeling a lot less scared about it now but I wish it would stop raining and being so dark so I can get some practice on the new bike. There are maps available on the website so I can even check out the early sections of the route.

I have also done research on the break dancing, horse riding, licence-getting, gospel choir-ing, and TV game show-ing, but nothing solid is locked in yet. There are only so many weekends in a year and I need to plan mine pretty tightly.

The day is slipping away. Having all these visitors is excellent fun, but it's not helping me conquer my challenges right now. Gotta find time to write some songs before the 22nd too... oh boy.

Meditation

It is pretty much mania at work just now. Particularly today, now that my boss has gone on maternity leave, one of the guys is on leave to go skiing for a week, and the last member of my team is, well, not here. That makes me the whole academic team (I work for a university). It's been really fun. Really.

So I have taken up the first of my challenges today. According to Jacob, I am required to "meditate for a minimum of 10 minutes a day", so I decided to take a dedicated 'time out' out of working day to try and do that.

Yeah, that worked out well.

Lesson 1: Meditation is hard. What's up with that? Isn't it just sitting with your legs crossed and thinking of nothing? Climbing into the void? Swimming in the colours?

I went up to the rooftop level, empty of students, and sat on a table in the sun, eyes closed, back straight, breathing slow. The sun's warmth on my skin was a welcome visitor. I heard the vents humming. I heard the crane beeping. Then I remembered there was a camera on the roof and thought of the guys in security watching me. A siren wailed from down on the street. I wondered if my timer was working. I fiddled with my phone for a bit to check.

So. I did ok for what I figured to be around 8 minutes, but ultimately I tried and failed on Day 1. That's ok. I didn't have a lot of time to prepare. I like that this is something I have to unexpectedly learn, and not just immediately be able to do.

I expect this will also come in handy when trying to switch off the notion of how I'm going to complete everything else on my list... which I will post as a separate page shortly.