HIIIIIIIIII

Hey! I'm writing a blog! Hello! What have you been up to? O RLY? Cool. Yeah me too.

So six weekends of pre-wedding parties, hens nights, engagement parties and actual weddings has been awesomely fun. But I would like my life back now. This is on top of the Day Job v Night Job juggling, with some days finishing at one place at 5.30pm and beginning at the next at 6pm. Now you're starting to get an idea of The Tiredness: a phenomenon rendering me without the energy to finish full blog posts. Heck, even full sentences become too much of a

Can I have a chocolate bar?

The good news is, the temp job I was supposed to have for three weeks at Prestigious Theatre Company got extended for a week, and then another week, and now they've hired somebody but he can't start for a month. So I've got a whole month more to luxuriate in being able to pay rent. Hoorah and stuff! It's a beautiful thing.

The only thing left veering me off the ABT race track and slamming me into the wall of tyres also known as 'failure' is the band's rehearsal and recording schedule, which is about to take off in a big way. Sure, it is going to be all kinds of rad to finally get an aural snapshot of the band circa 2011, but it may also bankrupt us. Hence, I keep working two jobs.

(If you fancy giving us a little push and don't already own a copy of our previous EP, you can download it at Bandcamp - please excuse shameless self-promotion).

I should really do a comprehensive post on where everything is at, but the short version is that there hasn't really been progress on anything. Even the Japanese, which is the only thing I was getting anywhere with.

In other news, I'm proudly banjo-sitting for the next 18 months while Alex is off in the UK being smart at a university or something (oh and also getting married). I have already discerned that all Sufjan Stevens banjo tabs on the net are rubbish, so I am getting my ear tuned up. Hopefully this will inspire me to catch up with all those songs I have yet to write.

I should probably post a picture of something to make this post feel a little more entertaining than it actually is. In that case, here's a picture of me getting ready to go to roller derby.

You're welcome.

G'deve.

I don't think "G'deve" is a real term. But I'm an Australian and I vote and its past midnight so I can says whatever words I please. I'm sitting in my darkened lounge room with the remnants of my candles burning post-Earth Hour. Husband is off galavanting somewhere on a river boat with 13 other lads in a show of "hetero-masculine tradition" (otherwise known as a bucks party) and hence this is my second night alone in the house of Desmond and why I am sitting up in the lounge room in front of the computer at silly o'clock with my poncho on askew. It's a bit weird, but still distantly familiar.

Anyhoo. While I'm waiting for the folks upstairs to turn their music off, I will type some words and see if any of them are interesting.

I guess my general situation just now is important for contextualising my virtual absence. I fell back into my merch roots and have picked up a few shifts a week selling such things as t-shirts and the occasional babushka doll, for various theatre shows. Today I did Riverdance at the Capitol. OhmygodsomuchEnya. So it is nice to have some work to do that isn't too taxing and I know I am good at (although the Enya part not so nice). While most of the folks there are a little less enthusiastic than me, I am running with my early eagerness in case the novelty peters out. But I like asking the little girls if they know how to dance, and I'm not yet tired of middle-aged men commenting on how tired my arm must get holding that programme up in the air all night. And I've lost count of how many people I've made laugh. I'd say at least seven. It isn't the ideal scenario (working nights while Ben works days), and the pay isn't amazing, but it makes me feel good, which is more than I can say for any other work I've done in the last year or so.

Next week I start temping with a prestigious theatre company and it is VERY EXCITING even though I am just doing reception and such. I've also got another interview on Monday with another creative company so things are rolling in the right direction. I'm hoping to carry on doing the merch shifts for as long as I can without falling over from exhaustion. Funds have been dangerously low and so this double earning means I can finally get back on the metaphorical horse again. If it continues well I can also afford to get back on an actual physical horse again. Win-win.

Band activities have also stepped up due to a long overdue photo shoot followed by a stint in the studio recording a hit single. And also rediscovering Pop Tarts. Seriously, how good are Pop Tarts. The chocolate ones. Trying to get 5 people in the same room at the same time with instruments is becoming slowly more difficult, so this has become a priority again. Between this and the shift work I decided to quit choir. Sad but necessary. Perhaps I will take it up again later in the year. Also I need to write more songs. There have been a couple. One I can't really talk about yet. It's a surprise (not for you, but I still can't talk about it). The latest one is called "Frozenlake" and I guess I'll post my horrible demo of it sometime after the band have had a good listen to it. Harmonies are fun.

So that, dear reader, is what I've been doing for the past month or so instead of breakdancing or volunteering at a school. Sorry. I do, however, have 4 more months up my sleeve. Alright, yes, I'm wearing a poncho. But you get the gist of it.

I'm going to bed now. In the meantime here's a video completely unrelated to All.Before.Thirty but shows you what my band have been doing. Mostly being quite silly.

Shut up, cicadas!

I'm taking a break from the job hunt today. It has been getting me down this week, and it feels like pointless hours wasted away in front of the computer. I like to believe that being super positive can bring good karma or whatever, but the fact is I'm still unemployed with no prospects and no money and that whole mindset is wearing thin. Whenever I feel low I just remember that if I had not quit, I'd be enrolling grotty and complacent students by now. It makes me feel a lot better.

The in-laws are in town, all the way from bonnie Scotland! We've not seen them since the wedding fifteen months ago, so it is awesome to lay eyes on some family again without Skype playing middle man and garbling everything up. They plan to do a massive harbour walk and I am very excited about this prospect. Their map runs from the north side of the bridge right around the west side of the harbour and back to the south side of the bridge in the city. The tourist information centre told them it should take around four days depending on how far you want to walk each day. This makes my heart go doki-doki (Japanese onomatopoeia for a fast-beating heart), 100%! The walks are a huge metaphorical thorn in my time frame, so if I could knock out the majority of it in a week it would pretty much be the best thing ever. It also means saving money on the travel costs as we can get a travel multi-pass and jump on and off everything for that week - this has been an awkward hidden factor of this particular challenge.

As usual, other micromovements towards implementing some other challenges has brought a deafening silence, an aural space immediately occupied by the screech of cicadas having a rave party outside my window. Loudest. Insects. Ever. (no really.) I'm going to try and drown them out with my guitar. Wish me luck.

An upper!

There is so much I wanted to say about my tendencies towards personal overestimation, more things going wrong, pewter linings (a phrase borrowed from Bart). But like I said, this is supposed to be a positive endeavour.

So instead, I quit my job.

My iPhone now works (although it is still incompatible with my Mac) and we’re attempting to go horseriding, again, today. This morning, I couldn’t have been less excited about it, but now suddenly the world looks… different. So very very different.

Goodbye, desk! Hello, world!

"Injection of happy" in form of beautiful flowers courtesy of the ever-lovely Kat.

Flaming Lips = good for mental health

It feels different, being off on a weekday. I don't have the overwhelming desire to stab anyone, I can't feel the horrible sensation of my soul leaking out, I don't even need to discretely flee into the bathroom and sob! It's awesome!

Needless to say I have not achieved much today, although I did watch Yo Gabba Gabba and see Wayne Coyne wearing 2 hats at the same time. I have done some noodling on the guitar, but sadly my crowning achievement there was discovering that "I'm Never As Tired As When I'm Waking Up" by LCD Soundsystem has the same chorus chords as "Live In Sunshine" by The Rapture. I wonder if James has ever noticed this.

Choir was enjoyable yesterday as we got to sing inside the church rather than in the little hall off the side of it. The resonance seemingly made the group a bit nervous. We got used to it. I am coming to realise what a funny thing rhythm is, and how not everybody naturally has it (even people who can sing beautifully). Being inside a church again was an experience in itself. I wonder if Cadbury is aware that Advent had this purple business sorted out long before they copywrited it.

In short: I'm not making any progress, but at least I'm a little less insane.

Ouch.

I reeeeally don’t want to go to choir today. It’s one of those things. Like your kid begs you to let him start taking karate lessons, and then three weeks later he’s complaining that he doesn’t want to go, and you force him to go, and he has a great time because he kicked Freddie in the face.

Anyway, I’ve not been for 2 weeks because I was ill the first time, and the choir leader was ill the second time, so I feel kinda rusty and insecure and apprehensive about it again. I know it’ll be fine once I get there. But you know how it is. It’s a dreary, woeful Tuesday and the rain is just waiting to pounce and cling to the bottom of my scuffed trouser legs. I hit my head on a cupboard today which was a fabulous highlight, and I’m not even going to begin to tell you what is happening within the walls of my workplace, except that it smells like despair and feels like wearing a coat made of syrup (sans pancakes).

I’m taking tomorrow off in an attempt to regain my composure (read: sanity). My plans thus far are to have an exceedingly long bath, write a bunch of cover letters, cook some dinner for my long suffering husband, and play lots and lots of music. I have a busking catalogue to refine, four songs to write, and Briscoe things to find my place among. I have a feeling that one day isn’t going to be enough, but I’ll take what I can get.

Keeping things interesting

Nothing much to report these last two days, except that I tried to get in touch with Father Kevin BC again, had a good chat to Carly-le about the bike ride which left me feeling a little lighter about the situation, and sang nicely at gospel rehearsal. Annoyingly one of our best gigs got cancelled.

A cancelled rehearsal left a beautifully open night, which was then immediately filled by the prospect of dinner with some friends it felt like we hadn’t seen for a decade. Sleep is a nice option too, but who can possibly pass up a chance to say hello to this little face?

Hi Baotze!

I’m going for a spin class with Scobie on Saturday morning, so, I may or may not regret that later. They’ve called it “Cycle class” to make it appear less terrifying but they can’t fool me. If that doesn’t strike me down with a migraine then we have 30th Birthday No. 1 Saturday afternoon, picnic style in the sun, and then later in the evening we move onto 30th Birthday No. 2 which is swanky dinner stylee and I will probably even wear a skirt, amazing. Then on Sunday we’re back at Day Job Studios to play with Bam— I mean, record some exquisite music with Briscoe. You know, just a regular weekend really.

And a gig at the Bald Faced Stag in Leichhardt tonight, for anyone so inclined…

Meditation update

I have been practising meditation in a range of formats and with fluctuating levels of success. Here is a pretty exhaustive list of stuff I’ve tried:

- Sitting cross legged
- Sitting against a wall
- Kneeling
- Lying down
- In the bath
- On the train
- Outdoors
- Vibrational meditation (ie. Chanting and mantras)
- Breath watching
- With music
- Without music
- With audio instruction (these are really helpful)
- With binaural sound recordings (this seems to work best for me)
- Focussing on one sound
- “Empty mind” meditation (I am terrible at this)
- “Mindful” meditation (trying to become super aware of everything)
- Eyes closed
- Staring at a candle
- Staring into middle distance
- Wii Fit Zazen (My highest score is something like 96 seconds… but frankly I’m not sure it counts as meditation)

My dedication to this task has been abysmal of late. I have started setting an alarm so that I am forced to go at a certain time and find somewhere to meditate, and I think it is important to do it at work whenever I can. It is entirely necessary. I spend a lot of time internally talking myself out of quitting. My boss calls it “highly strung”.

**hrumph**

Crunk, our car, has just unburdened us of almost the same amount of money that we paid for him in repairs, so that’s nice. The dangers of being so desperate for a car and wanting to see good in people. Hey Ramzi, you’re a jerk! Consequently, I’m a jerk too, particularly in my workplace where I’m starting to think knowing what you’re doing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I have some kind of eye infection, I think, which has been plaguing me for a couple of days. Relevant? No. Thematic? Yes. I will stop being grumpy soon. Promise.

Be positive

I have a new boss, and she has moved into what used to be my ‘meditation room’ and now I’m feeling a little bit lost. More lost than I should rightly feel. Maybe this meditation malarkey has been having more effect than I give it credit for. I meditated at home yesterday instead, but the juju was all wrong. I could use the first aid room but you never know when somebody might come bursting in with a violent head wound and need the space to bleed everywhere, so I’m reluctant to take up that option.

Feeling defeated about the fundraising ball again. What else is new.

I am still sans 7 challenges and I am wondering what to do about this. I have faith that I may still receive a couple more but others I am not so sure about. And some people I wonder why I continue putting energy into them. I actually changed my mind at the last minute about one of the recipients, adding somebody who should have been on the list from the beginning and for some stupid reason wasn’t there, and taking off somebody who I realised was a complete waste of my time, as usual. I get tired thinking about such things very quickly. To be very curt about it, I did a ‘cull’ of such people in my life a few years ago, and I haven’t regretted it. Sometimes you’ve got to know when to let go, you know? But then I think: there is reward in savouring friendships. Most people mean well. It’s about finding a balance.

Originally when people asked what would happen if I found myself in this situation (not having all challenges returned), I was steadfast: their loss, and more time for me to concentrate on the ones that did arrive. I’m wondering now if there is room for 7 more of them, and there probably isn’t. But that in itself was part of the challenge, right?

Here’s what I’m going to do. Any outstanding postcards on 22nd October 2010 – that’s 3 months after the project started – will have their Challenger Rights forfeited. Maybe I’ll then choose to challenge myself in place of the missing ones. I already have some ideas. They won’t be too difficult or time consuming, more like new year’s resolutions (and probably taken with as much salt, so there is also no pressure to finish them in the same way as the others). Like, I’ve been thinking for a long time, I should really give blood. My blood type is B+. Be positive! How can I not share blood that life affirming!

Anyway, I’ll deal with that in November. I have a lot to do before then.

PS. We finally have a government again! About fricking time! Lead well, Julia... lead well.

I'm visualising a fundraiser, and a huge slice of cake

So I didn’t write a blog yesterday. Did you miss me? Because I missed you.

My employer sent me to a “Tapping Into Your Full Potential” seminar yesterday which was quite enlightening. Mostly because it showed me how my ‘values’ and ‘priorities’ weren’t really aligned with each other and how most of the stuff that makes me hate my job are in the mysterious “circle out of my control”. We were taught visualisation techniques and told to let go of the things in that particular circle. So I’m visualising myself having a really fun time at work, everybody around me working really efficiently, and actually having a manager that I can depend on, and getting backpaid for the 7 weeks worth of higher duties work I haven’t been paid for. It doesn’t seem to be working. I told my colleague that if we don’t get an answer before the end of the week (which I was told we would), I’m striking. I think I’ll use the time to ride my bike a lot, write songs and ponder life. Or, maybe I'll just keep coming to work like a chump because I need to pay for stuff.

I am trying to organise the 'fundraising ball'. It's a bit of a left field interpretation of the idea, but it's so crazy it just might work. Getting the people I need to be involved, and finding a venue, though, is going to be an interesting endeavour. I don't want to jinx it by saying too much, but I'll let you know if I get it off the ground.

PS. I was meditating in our bedroom a couple of nights ago when the light bulb blew (with sparks and everything!) and my inner peace was seriously compromised. I almost levitated, although to be fair I don't think it was the same kind I'm supposed to aim for.

PPS. People keep thinking I'm pregnant. I'm not. It's just cake. But thanks for the boost to my self esteem.

We interrupt this transmission for a rant

Confession: I'm miserable.

It's a dreary, rainy Tuesday. I did not want to get out of bed, but not in the "I'm cozy and don't want to move" way. More in the "if I drag myself into work today, my soul may just crumble" kind of way. I did it anyway, and trudged through the drizzle in my so-called water-resistant hoodie, clutching at a paper bag with a blueberry muffin in with my left hand, my right sock sliding shamefully and awkwardly into my boot. As usual, one of my team members is not in, leaving me to carry their load as well as my own. It's embarrassing. I think my soul crumbled somewhere around 9.53am.

What I needed this year was a stable, reliable job. I've been in my current place of employment for around 2 years now and you know what? I discovered I was good at it. I was enjoying it. The people are great. I felt confident about everything I was doing. I was relieved to be doing something that didn't absorb my out-of-work hours the way my old music industry ones used to. And now? I can't remember the last time I was so weighed down by this kind of sadness over a job. I hate feeling like this.

I was looking forward to getting a foot up in the company, hopefully making a bit more money (we certainly need it), and still having plenty of time to work on the wonders of self-enlightenment in my 30th year. We're planning a month-long trip back to the UK next year, after it's over, which I am already bristling with excitement about. I need to earn time off for my band, and for mini-trips (such as Kat's Tasmania challenge). I am now used to having a stable 9-5 job, something I'd never really had before. Having taken the "do what you love" route and finding it drains the passion rather than fuels it, I have never taken this situation for granted. I want it to stay the same. The last thing I want right now is a complication. I want to like my job again.

I've still not managed to make anybody laugh, but that's because all I want to do all the time is cry. Fortunately, I have the loveliest husband ever who just happens to work two blocks away, and is kind enough to trek through the rain to bring me Indian food on such occasions. Thank you, B-Dawg.